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Trying to find the why of their sons’ suicides has led Vicky Gunderson and Beth Massman in new directions.
Gunderson wants to know why her son lost hope. Her son Kirk hanged himself in December 2005 while in the La Crosse County jail. He was 17.
Beth Massman wants to know why she didn’t see more signals. Her son, Tyler Ammann, died by shooting himself while coming down from a methamphetamine binge.
According to Jeffrey Jackson, who wrote “SOS: A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide,” the question of “why” haunts survivors the most. “If you think you know the answer, you should think again because chances are you’re only seeing part of the picture,” he writes.
Jackson wrote that the American Psychiatric Association ranks the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide as “catastrophic” — on par with that of a concentration camp experience.
The Gunderson and Massman families have experienced the emotional roller coaster Jackson refers to in his handbook. They sometimes feel bad about feeling good, and they are haunted by other people’s judgments. Every day they go through the shock, denial, guilt, sadness, anger, blaming and acceptance.
They don’t move through those stages of grief in a linear fashion, but more like a spiral or an emotional roller coaster.
One aspect of the emotional roller coaster Jackson points out is that new milestones may bring renewed feelings of guilt. Gunderson anticipates a rough year ahead as her younger son, Jay, will be achieving the milestones that Kirk would have achieved. “I think it’s going to be a tough year,” she said.
Another part of the roller coaster ride is encountering painful reminders unexpectedly. Gunderson said she always took joy in hearing her two sons laughing together over a game or something, and she misses that. Recently she heard her son Jay laugh for the first time since Kirk’s death.
“It was a bittersweet moment,” Gunderson said. “I miss hearing them laugh together, but it brought me joy to hear Jay laugh again.”
Kirk’s journal has been a source of comfort to her as well as a new direction. “He said in his journal he wouldn’t take his life because it would hurt his family,” Gunderson said.
In his journal, Kirk expressed his thoughts on being in the adult correctional system and what was wrong with it. Believing that if people can take a tragedy and try to help others with it that it will help themselves heal, Gunderson decided to use Kirk’s journey and journal to help heal herself and others.
“We’re his voice now,” she said. “The journal keeps him alive to us because this is what he wanted to do. I see it as a means of sharing his story. It’s not me that will make the difference — it is his words that will make a difference.”
While she maintains that she and her husband have always taught their sons they are responsible for the choices they make and must bear the consequences, Gunderson said she believes placing Kirk in the adult correctional system was a huge contributing factor toward Kirk’s suicide.
Gunderson has since been a strong advocate for the juvenile justice system, a strong supporter of putting 17-year-olds back into the juvenile system instead of the adult system.
“They’re still babies at 17,” she said. “Their brains haven’t fully developed; their emotions haven’t matured.”
For her efforts, the Campaign for Youth Justice and the National Juvenile Justice Network named her the recipient of this year’s National Mother of Distinction Award.
Beth Massman’s coping mechanism for dealing with the grief also is in helping others. Six months after her son’s death, she established a local chapter of the national group, Mothers Against Methamphetamine — Tyler’s Legacy.
“I decided I didn’t want any mother to go through what I was going through, the hell I was living,” said Massman, who has since severed ties with Mothers Against Methamphetamine but continues to conduct her awareness and support group efforts as Tyler’s Legacy.
On Aug. 4, 2005, Massman’s son put his hunting rifle in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He was 18.
Massman said the surviving family had a huge issue with blame. “Blame was huge for my family, my husband,” she said. “Finding out about the drugs was a relief, but looking back at what might have led to the drugs… You try not to do it, but you want someone to blame. You can’t be angry at the child, so you turn that anger at yourself.”
Mary Domnie hopes a new support group for surviving friends and families of people who have committed suicide will provide a safe and caring environment for survivors to seek the why of tragedy and release some of their questions, fears, anger and blame that accompany such a catastrophic event.
Domnie, a social worker, has started the Survivors of Suicide Support Group that meets from 7 to 9 p.m. the third Wednesday of every month at the Franciscan Skemp Spirituality Center.
Domnie had been a volunteer/co-facilitator/guest speaker for the Karis Support Group from 1989 to 1995. She recently felt the urge to reunite with that group again, but it no longer exists. Wanting to make a meaningful contribution, Domnie decided to start another group.
“I knew that other people in the La Crosse community and surrounding area had experienced this tragic event in their lives,” she said.
Both Massman and Gunderson hope to attend the new support group meetings. They both have been in other grief support groups, but feel suicide has its own set of issues. They don’t feel their grief is any more or less intense than grief for those who die of natural or accidental causes, or that survivors of suicides have any more or less compelling needs.
“The needs are just different,” Gunderson said.
Her hope for the new support group is to help comfort each other; to let each other know it’s OK. “As sad as it is, you are OK,” she said.
Gunderson said the grieving probably will never end. “I believe we’ll be grieving the rest of our lives with the loss of a child,” she said. “The worst is that Jay is now an only child and that’s something we never wanted.
“You just learn to cope with grief,” she continued. “My way of dealing with grief is talking about it with others. I love people and I want to help them, too.”
Massman said she felt the same way. “I don’t know that you ever get better. We have gotten busier and for me personally, that’s the way I survive. Tyler’s Legacy is to help focus on others and not my own loss and tragedy.”
Survivors of Suicide Support Group
TYLER'S LEGACY
Helping a survivor heal
Here are some suggestions about how to help people touched by the suicide of a loved one:
Extracted from “Helping a Survivor Heal,” by Dr. Alan D. Wolfet, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. The full version can be found on the Web at: survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml
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